If there’s one thing we at Elegante by Michelle J know a bit about, it’s Jewish weddings. We’ve had many of our events featured on the wonderful Jewish wedding blog Smashing the Glass, and I recently had the pleasure of joining their founder Karen Cinnamon for an Instagram live to talk about something that can affect many couples during the lead up to their wedding – wedding planning anxiety. If this is something that has affected you, you’re not alone and it’s not unusual. You’re planning for a major life event, and wedding days can come with a lot of pressure both from yourself and external sources. Here, I’ll summarise everything Karen and I spoke about on the topic, with a view to helping you relieve some of that anxiety and make the planning process that much smoother.
Overwhelm
By far the most common emotion I pick up on when I first speak to couples on their planning journey is overwhelm. The vast majority of people will have never planned a wedding before, and it can feel like a huge undertaking. Oftentimes couples feel overwhelmed because they are in uncharted territory and don’t really know what they are doing, or haven’t a clue where to start. The cause of this particular form of wedding planning anxiety can also be the influx of conflicting advice and opinions from other people. Karen and I have some advice which will hopefully help to remove some of the effects of this overwhelm…
- Take a step back and don’t try to do everything all at once! Sit down together, just the two of you, and really consider;
- Your vision for your wedding day; what style do you like, or what feeling do you want to achieve?
- Number of guests; write out your guestlists, individually at first and then combine them to see how it stacks up
- Location; do you have an area in mind, or a type of venue?
- Budget; this one is so important! If you don’t have an approximate budget, you’ll find that costs can run away with you and it’s impossible to know whether something is affordable for you
Going through step 1 thoroughly and before you do anything else will ensure the next steps you take are more targeted and focused, meaning the options are less overwhelming.
2. Next, take small steps towards booking all the elements of your wedding day. Set yourselves achievable deadlines and carve out time specifically to do them. We recommend going roughly in this order;
- Venue search
- Supplier search
- Final details and finishing touches
3. Use a checklist or GANNT chart to help you (a type of graph which plots your activities against your time so you can easily see what needs doing when!)
4. Harness the wonderful power of the wedding community. Sharing your experience with other engaged couples through a platform such as the Smashing the Glass Bride’s Club can give great perspective
5. Consider getting the support of a planner; I’ll cover this in more detail, but take a look at 5 things a planner can do to make your wedding less stressful
6. Remember the planning process is a marathon, not a sprint. Pace yourselves, otherwise that wedding planning anxiety will be exacerbated by a feeling of immense time pressure!
When I come to the joyous celebration at the end of my couples’ wedding planning journeys, I often hear ‘we had no idea how much was involved in planning a wedding!’. If you’ve ever planned a party, consider it a little like that only multiplied by 10…and on steroids! If you follow the advice within this blog however, it doesn’t need to be overwhelming – and you might even enjoy it!
Wedding Planning Anxiety & Comparisonitis
‘Comparisonitis’ is what you’re afflicted with when you can’t help but compare your wedding plans and progress to that of others. It’s a sure fire way to ramp up your wedding planning anxiety, so I highly recommend tuning out what others are doing and focusing solely on your unique plans. One of the greatest joys of my job as a wedding planner is that every wedding is different, and every wedding is wonderful in its own way. I never compare them because each has been crafted carefully to ensure it is a total reflection of the couple getting married. My ultimate goal with my engaged couples is not to give them what we call a ‘cookie-cutter’ wedding; in other words, we’re not creating a version of what everyone has been before! Doing this makes comparisonitis inevitable, therefore…
My biggest piece of advice to avoid comparisonitis is to ensure you make your wedding all about you. Whatever your budget, style, vision or guest number you must do your wedding your way, ensuring it stands out and is memorable. Attending others’ weddings can be a scenario rife with comparisonitis, so I recommend taking these as sources of inspiration and nothing more. Regardless of how you think a wedding should look or feel, your day can go exactly as you wish. Want to change up the timings? Do it! Feel like doing something unique for your wedding breakfast? Embrace that!
Family Politics
With Jewish (and Jew-ish) weddings, Karen and I both agree that the influence of family politics is inevitable. Both sets of parents are often involved and there are lots of traditions and customs to consider. This can be a source of wedding planning anxiety, as it results in you trying to please everybody and ending up pleasing nobody (least of all yourselves). This aspect of wedding planning should be handled carefully, as there are different viewpoints and priorities to contend with which can lead to unpleasant arguments. Our advice is this;
- Pick your battles! Decide what is truly important to you and stand your ground on this, but be prepared to give way a little on issues that are less important. This can help pave the way for you getting more of what you really want
- Try to see it from the perspective of your parents. They’ve waited your whole life for this occasion, and it’s really meaningful and important for them too
- Try to have rational, rather than emotional, discussions as this can prevent escalations
At the heart of what I do as a Jewish wedding planner, I endeavour to always prioritise what you want as a couple and help you to navigate towards this with your family. If you don’t have a planner to act as a sort of mediator, consider asking a neutral family member or friend to step in and help.
Reducing Wedding Planning Anxiety
I like to think that the wedding planning journey is a joyful process, but then again I may be biased! Your wedding may only be one day or weekend, but the journey leading up to it can last several months or sometimes even years. It saddens me that so many couples don’t enjoy it, so I have a few final tips to help reduce wedding planning anxiety and hopefully bring a little more love into the process!
- If you feel one or both of you are becoming anxious, take a step back and take some time out. Planning a special day, evening or mini break together can help remind you why you are doing this, and return you to that special state of engaged bliss you once enjoyed
- Plan time for your ‘wedmin’ and schedule specific tasks with time estimates. This helps you prioritise and stops you trying to work on everything at once
- Don’t work on this daily! This can lead to overwhelm and become a source of dread. Plan in some time every few days or once per week to sit down together and plan
- If wedding planning is becoming a chore, try to create a new atmosphere around it. Put some music on, get into your comfortable clothes and light a few candles; try to view it as quality time spent together!
My biggest piece of advice to reduce the anxiety you may be feeling about planning is to employ a wedding planner. Every planner has a different range of services (you can see mine here) and will join you on your journey to guide you in whichever way you need. What if I told you that a wedding takes on average 150 hours (250 for a destination wedding!) for a wedding planner to plan? If it takes us experts that long, it will undoubtedly be more for you going it alone. If you have the time to dedicate to the process then this is no problem, but a planner can be invaluable from this point of view alone if you don’t. Really think about whether you have space for this in your schedule, and either plan it in or consider getting some help.
It may be that you feel you have had a good grip on the wedding planning process for quite some time, but as the big day draws closer the wedding planning anxiety is starting to creep in. Planners don’t just offer full wedding planning, and my newest service Elegante Piccolo is perfect for support in the last few months or weeks. Contact me to find out if any of my services are right for you in your Jewish wedding journey.
A wedding planner is no longer a luxury, but should be a factor within your budget in the same way your florist, stationer and band are. If you find your budget is too stretched to consider this option, think about delegating some tasks to your family and friends. You’ll no doubt be inundated with offers of help, so graciously accept them or proactively seek out assistance!
Karen and I hope you found this information helpful, and you’re able to reduce your wedding planning anxiety and find joy in the process again! You’ll find lots more inspiration and advice over on Smashing The Glass, and tips and past weddings I’ve planned on my blog. Don’t forget to follow us on Instagram(@elegantebymichellej); you can find the full replay of our live session below!
View this post on Instagram